“Thar She Sinks!”

Moby Dick is the name of this 2010 remake TV series movie. That’s how bad this movie is. They didn’t even get the title of the book right. It’s not “Moby Dick” but “Moby-Dick.” A quibble, you say? Granted. So let’s turn flukes and move on to everything else the movie gets wrong.

1. People in 1850s using modern language and expressions. That’s lazy writing and even lazier research. I don’t even.

2. A sperm whale (Moby-Dick, NOT Moby Dick) that looks nothing like a sperm whale, but has facial features similar to Jason Voorhees from the Friday 13th films. I kid you not. Wrong head size, wrong proportions overall, wrong side flippers, the eyes are the size of huge dinner plates (did the mongrels who made this film even bother to look at ONE f’ing picture of a sperm whale?)and wrong physics of moving through the water. Then again what do you expect from CGI monkeys who are more in love with the computer technology than reality? It’s white, ain’t it and it’s got a big whoppin’ flipper at the end? Blowhole, what fuggin’ blowhole? I guess this whale breathes through his mouth. Move on, technicians!

3. An Ahab that laughs and capers and smiles and jokes and gibbers with hilarity. Oh. You were expecting a grim, cold man wrapped in dark obsession…you know, like the book is supposed to be about? Sorry. This Ahab is a clown by nature. He laughs! He capers! He laughs some more! Deal with it.

4. A Stubbs who is grim and cold and wrapped in dark obsession instead of being the jovial character he was supposed to be. So. Yeah. The ignorant ungulates who made this film switched the emotions of Stubbs and Ahab from the book. I was vaguely surprised they didn’t work in a car chase and a couple of Vampire Hookers from Outer Space, because, you know, I guess they wanted to try and make the film relevant and exciting. Or something.

Look. I could go on listing howler after howler. I don’t like remakes as a rule. But if you’re going to do it, I do mind remakes that have no love or appreciation for the source material. And this film falls in that category. Okay. Enough of what’s wrong with the film. What did they get right?  Well…there was a ship named Peaquod that went a’whalin’ one day on a three hour tour. Other than that….

Seriously. Don’t waste your time with this monstrosity. It’s typical Hollywood mongrelization of a beloved classic. Trust me on this one, you’d be better off watching a bowl of goldfish. That would have more in line with the original novel than this knuckle-dragging and ill-advised remake.

And, yes, I’m being kind in my review of this film. I didn’t even mention the tender home scenes of a misty-eyed Ahab with his wife beside a crackling fire and his loving arm around her waist. Oops.


Believe it or not this is supposed to be a sperm whale. Do you see a sperm whale in this picture?

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